I was reminded a few weeks ago that one task of a leader is to tone down the rhetoric that naturally arises in an organization. We have a tendency to grouse, complain, gripe, etc. about all aspects of our jobs that we do not like. It can get so bad that some organizations develop a culture based more on “gripe sessions” (perhaps more commonly known as “bitch sessions”!) than productive problem solving. Let’s face it, every organization has problems and since no manager is perfect there are usually plenty of things for an employee to complain about. The problem arises when complaints and gripe sessions begin to impact productivity and feed on one another. You have probably seen it happen; “Did you see what Sam Smith did this week!”, “Why is Jennifer Jones always taking credit for my work!” etc., etc. Nine times out of ten, Jennifer and Sam have no idea there is even a problem. In addition, as the problems get talked about more and more, they take on an almost legendary status. No longer is it a single event, but it is something that happens constantly, even if it is only because it has been talked about constantly. To be sure, there is a balance in this. We want open, transparent dialogue about problems and issues. That was the point for my last blog. And we are all human so we need to “blow off steam”. But we need to minimize unproductive gripe sessions leading to no resolution and only magnifying the problems!
This is where good management comes in. Most (maybe all!) managers have their own issues with their organization to complain about. So instead of supporting open productive, problem solving dialogue and being a role model for their employees, sometimes these managers jump right into the grip sessions. They feel they are building camaraderie or esprit-de-cour with their employees by griping about the problems that the organization has, especially the managers that are higher up in the organization. Don’t do it! Although you might be building some short term camaraderie, over the long term you are just undermining your own credibility and the credibility of the organization. In addition, you are hurting the productivity of your group and thus impacting your own performance. Your goal as a manager in all these situations should be to turn the conversation into a productive “What’s the problem? What’s the solution? What’s the next step?” By turning unproductive “bitch sessions” into productive problem solving sessions, you have not only enhanced the culture of the organization, but you have participated in continuous improvement – a cornerstone of quality management in organizational processes. So whatever else you do in these situations, try to tone down the rhetoric and move it to a problem identification and solution approach.
So what does this have to do with leadership and friendship? Leadership is largely about motivating employees (including your peers) around a common vision. You can “manage” employees and simply ignore the complaining and the gripe sessions but you won’t truly be leading them unless you jump right in to the fray, turn them towards productive problem solving activities and provide a vision moving forward. I bring friendship into this discussion because if you try to be a close friend of people who report to you, this leadership won’t happen. With the caveat that family-owned businesses are a different animal than most organizations, close friendship and leadership don’t mix! I know many of you will disagree with this and will talk about cultures where being a good friend to your employees is appropriate but I still hold my ground. You are losing leadership opportunities and missing out on effective organizational dynamics and productivity if you try to be a close friend to your employees. Don’t confuse being a close friend with being friendly! Camaraderie, social activities, trust, sincerity, etc. are all important traits for you to cultivate as a leader. But draw the line at being a close friend. I have seen it time and time again where peers have developed strong bonds and close friendships only to have them unsustainable upon the promotion of one of the friends to a management role. You cannot be objective, carry out the tough decisions, and provide the coaching/performance feedback to your employees if you are also trying to be a good friend. And although my caveat above is that family-owned businesses are different animals, plenty of family relationships have been torn apart for the same reason. So cultivate a strong environment of trust and develop relationships based on a positive, friendly atmosphere, but do not cross the line and try to be a close friend to your employees.
And how does this impact the gripe sessions? This is a prime example of why the close friend card does not work in an employee-manager relationship. We want to support our employees; we must support our good friends! When the gripe sessions start and you are managing a group who is essentially a subset of your good friends and you, in fact, agree with most of their complaints, how can you avoid getting involved in this negativity and unproductive grousing? As a close friend, you will invariably participate to support your friends. In fact though, as the supervisor or manager of the group, your very presence and participation will escalate the problem. Instead of being just a simple impromptu complaint session to blow off a little steam, it now becomes a sanctioned systemic problem in the company or organization – “even our group leader says so.” And you have lost a great opportunity to identify and address issues that employees feel are important. It sounds so easy to say as a manager or leader “don’t get involved in the complaining,” but on a daily basis, with the stress and frustration that you will likely feel in any management position, it is difficult. But if you keep your management and leadership role in mind and if you avoid trying to be a close friend to your employees and you instead focus on being a trusting, trustworthy manager, it can be done.
In summary, my take-aways for this posting are:
- Do everything possible to dampen the rhetoric and “gripe sessions” in your organizations.
- Listen and be empathetic to employees concerns – foster an open environment – and then turn the discussion around to a “problem identification and solution session”
- Don’t try to be a close friend to your employees; rather, focus on motivating and providing vision for your employees while managing their performance. You, the employee and the organization will be much better off in the long run.
You can actually apply all of these principles in your peer-to-peer relationships too because leadership is not about how many people work under you in the organization; it is about attitude and approach to your work on a daily basis. But I will wait to expand on that another time.
"Engineering Management Thought of the Week" Jeff Glass 
This is a particular pertinent post, especially with my job. Singapore has a mainly conscript military, and as a result two citizens who have been friends for a long time; have gone to the same schools and studied the same classes, may be put into a leader/subordinate relationship when one is selected for Officer Cadet School and becomes an Officer, while the other is a rifleman, and both are serving in the same unit.
What are your thoughts on how to handle such a relationship then, since their friendship long predates their current status in the military?
Very interesting. I think the best approach is a very frank and open discussion by the manager above these two. Discussing the potential issues they will face and how they need to manage perceptions as well as the actual activities. In addition, they both need to discuss it off line as well and talk about how to “compartmentalize” their relationship. They need to think about how to avoid expecting (even without consciously realizing it) certain communication or information due to the long standing friendship. This is hard but will be beneficial for them IF they can do it. If not, their relationship may go on hold while they have this reporting relationship.
I have come across all three take-away points mentioned in the job world and seen the results of “the gripe” sessions, “the problem identification and solution session” and most recently the “friends as employees.”
Being a recent grad and working for a small “close knit” engineering firm I have been able to watch the interactions between the bosses and the employees carefully and make assertions on leadership style. My three bosses are brothers from Iowa and their employees are mainly all from Iowa universities and/or the small town that they are from. They’ve known each other and their families for years. They are all very close and a great group of guys to work for however I am clearly seeing some of the negative side effects, as Jeff mentioned, of having that style of business. In particular, the layoffs that have had to occur in the last few months have been extremely difficult for the firm and the “griping” that follows possibly harming the company morale. The hiring and firing of “friends” can prove very detrimental in the long term, as I have seen being the “new guy” to the firm and not from Iowa.
I agree with the fact that “if you keep your management and leadership role in mind and if you avoid trying to be a close friend to your employees and you instead focus on being a trusting, trustworthy manager,” a successful business will form. But my question is where do you draw the line with friendship in the workplace? Furthermore, how does one draw the line without causing problems? These are issues I am looking forward to discussing in the MEM program.
Yes, these will be great topics for discussion in the MEMP and your expereince observing these issues will be very helfpul. In short, I think you need to draw the line by treating everyone fairly, based on performance, rather than based on knowing them well or being friends. Also, I think it means that you do not initiate discussions about personal issues even though you need to be careful not to offend people by not listening when they need to talk. It is a balance. Steering the conversations and activities back to work issues or to issues that are social and casual but not personal (i.e., not things that you only tell close friends because they are so perosnal). But keep in mind that a family business was one of my exceptions. I think your question is right on – how do you draw the line without causing problems. Sometimes you can’t. Try to draw the line “gently” and carefully but in a family business, sometimes the entry fee is getting personal and being close friends. Maybe it is not the best business decision but it is just the way the family members want to operate.