"Engineering Management Thought of the Week" Jeff Glass

Let’s face it, there are some people you will work with who do not want
you to succeed and are simply difficult. I received a recent e-mail from
an alumnus who noted that he expected his boss to be demanding and tough
(which they were), but he did not realize how much his boss would
actually want him to succeed. On the other hand, he found that his
colleagues seemed to be more interested in him failing than succeeding.
Clearly there are both good bosses and bad bosses and good colleagues
and bad colleagues but numbers alone mean you are more likely to run
into a bad colleague compared to a bad boss (i.e., for every boss you
work with there will be many colleagues you need to work with). This is
good because it is harder to manage a difficult boss than a difficult
colleague! But more importantly, we need to realize that the spectrum of
personalities we run into at work and the reasons that we perceive
someone as bad to work with, do not lend themselves to simple analysis.
The wide spectrum of personalities, cultural backgrounds and even moods
means that this is not an easy subject to tackle. Nonetheless, here are
a few generalizations I believe are true and would like to share:

• Even if you find someone very difficult to work with and feel that
they are trying to cause you to fail, the chances are very high that
they are more interested in their own success than your failure. Their
insecurities or perception of competition may cause them to believe that
your failure is required for their success, but nonetheless the previous
statement still holds.

• Hand-in-hand with the previous point is the notion that most people
seek those things that make them feel good and avoid those things which
cause pain. Pain in the case of work relationships could be
embarrassment, failure, lack of control, uncertainty, etc.

• The final point to consider when determining how to handle this
situation is that we all have somewhat different motivations beyond
these basics. That is, one person might be motivated by public praise
whereas another may actually be upset and embarrassed by it. Some people
may be motivated by working with others, whereas some may obtain their
motivation by working alone.

So what does all this mean for how to deal with difficult people? First,
back to what I said in the beginning; let’s face it, there are some
people you just want to avoid. But I personally believe this is very
rare and these types of people are “few and far between.” Rather,
assuming the person is not simply someone you must avoid, I believe that
the winning strategies involve some of the following:

• Make sure you know yourself – what I mean by this is that we all bring
biases to any situation and we all have our own strengths and
weaknesses. Many times we perceive other people through our own lens.
Constantly test yourself and question yourself and your perceptions to
be sure that they are accurate and that you have a good understanding of
your own biases when deciding someone as difficult.

• Get to know the other person – although this may be difficult, it will
provide a much better basis for judgment than assumptions about the
person’s personality and motivations. It will take time and require that
you develop some trust with the person, but it is certainly your best
platform for action.

• Make them successful – if someone perceives that your actions and
activities are in their own best interests then they will support your
activities! The best communicators and someone who we would call a
“people person” is someone who does this naturally, without any effort
and without anything remotely perceived as disingenuous. Figuring out
what it takes to have this colleague perceive that your actions are in
their best interest will insure they do not hinder your work and, in
fact, will help you succeed.

• Resolve it yourself – of course, if the situation deteriorates
significantly, going to your boss is always an option. In fact, that is
part of your boss’s job. However, there is absolutely no question that
if you can solve it on your own then your boss will be happy and you
will have proven that your skills are more valuable to the company. On
the other hand, if it is hindering progress for the company and you have
tried but cannot solve it on your own, talk to your boss clearly and
objectively. If at all possible, propose a solution.

In conclusion, remember that organizations are all about relationships.
You will have to manage multiple relationships in almost any job and the
better you become at this, the more successful you will be. A last
resort is to avoid problem people, but this is unlikely to be an optimal
solution and may not be possible. I believe that most instances of
problems with relationships at work are misunderstandings and/or style
differences. Finding common ground on which to work with your colleagues
will pay off large dividends in your career. If you want to read an
interesting HBR case study on this topic, see “When Your Colleague Is a
Saboteur,” by Bronwyn Fryer, Harvard Business Review, November 2008 and
the associated commentary by three experts.